Damn the Spam!

My iPhone, placed next to my bed, jarred me with fierce ringing at 6:37 one recent morning.  I shook my head awake and answered it.  Of course, it’s always a spam call at that hour, but there was a tinge of fear that it might be an emergency of some kind.  Who else would call at that ridiculous hour?  But of course, if they’re phoning from Malta or Mauritius, it’s probably not 6:37 a.m. and I’m surely not their first call of the day. I hung up immediately and fell back asleep.

It's not unusual to get at least a dozen spam calls every day into the night.  My husband Tom gets them on his cell, office and home phones constantly.  Usually, but not always, the gizmo on his phones will say, “SPAM” and he’ll just pick it up and hang up right away. If it sounds vaguely real, if the caller speaks comprehensible English and knows Tom’s name, he’ll give it about twenty seconds before he says politely, “I’m not interested and take me off your call list,” and then hangs up.

Me, I’m not polite or calm.  When my phone rings, if I answer it and if there’s a silence or an odd noise at the other end, I will either bang it down or curse the air with a “F*** YOU” and bang it down.   It depends on how many spams I’ve gotten that day.

Sometimes, however, it’s a real person from my life on the other end and probably it’s the phone company that’s caused the silence or weird noise.  Luckily, he or she will call back right away, and I’ll apologize.  They forgive me because they go through the same dance in their daily lives.

I’ve recently decided to interact with any real humans on the other end. The “humans” often say, HELLO MARCIA, HOW ARE YOU TODAY? as if they really care. Or they call me Marcie or Martha or Maria.  I dislike that immensely; I think if they have the gall to interrupt my day or sleep, they should at least know my name. “IT’S MARCIA, YOU GOON,” I would always say prior to my recent change of heart.  Now, I often want to know who they are and why do this for a living.

Almost never do I recognize their company, but now I try to get information.  I’ve had several calls this week, the first from the RCD Janitorial company.  It was Mike, he told me.  He said they would manage all my cleaning needs, and he would connect me with his boss.  He was very specific about the cleaning chores they would take over. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming dog hair. When I said politely that I have a housekeeper, Mike hung up, just like that. Without another word.

It’s been a busy day so far for spam calls.  Jenny called informing me that I have tax debt (which I don’t, and anyway, how would they know about it if I did?).  Unless I’m on one of the lists Elon Musk stole from a government database.  When I asked the name of her company, she hung up.

A particularly strange SPAM conversation I had went as follows.  HE:  Are you Noah?  ME:  No, I’m a woman and you have the wrong number.  HE:  Are you Ellen?  ME:  No, there’s no Ellen here.  HE:  Well, can you talk to me anyway?  I’m from the police… (something, something).  I hung up immediately.  And on it goes and goes….

This is what I would like to ask these phone people, should I be able to keep them engaged once they know I’m not buying their service or product: Do you like your job?  Do you look forward to spending your work life on the phone every morning or night? Are you taking advantage of people?  Are you bullshitting everybody? Do you care about doing any good in the world? Do you have a purpose in life?

Now to online spams. I just read something from Siri claiming that in the last decade 90% of all email is spam. I get about 35 junk emails a day, and 25 junk texts.  They are all political except for the one which wants to tell me about the wildlife that’s currently being decimated in North America.  I care about animal causes, I really do, so sometimes I send some money, not a large amount, but enough to make me feel that I’m helping a bit.

Most of the email or text spam I get is from Democratic causes, because I’m a lifelong Democrat.  I’ve never received anything from Donald Trump asking how I like his policies followed by how much am I willing to contribute to him.

 I got an email the other day from Medicare for All, claiming, “Marcia, I just double checked our records, and I’m sad to see we’re still missing your response.” And then they asked if I support Costco’s decision to defy Trump and described me as a “strong Progressive”.  I checked all the boxes, and then stupidly was surprised when they asked me for $9 every month, for a cause that as far as I could tell had nothing at all to do with Medicare, only Costco.

Sometimes I get pleas from Democratic candidates from anywhere in the country.  If I don’t know who they are, I wonder how they got my information.  I do some research and make sure their path is one I agree with, that their victory will be significant, and I’ll send a donation, feeling holy about my participation, a small as it often is.

But a few days ago, I read something about a Democratic senator, a maverick from a Republican state.  He started out as an admirable guy, one to whom I sent my somewhat paltry contribution, not once but twice. Now he’s been outed as a Trump supporter on immigration, and I want my $30 back.  I’m thinking about writing to him to ask for a refund, as ridiculous as that seems.  I’d rather give my bucks to SAFE, the charity for Save America’s Forgotten Equines.

I suppose it could be comforting to know that somewhere, at 6:37 a.m., someone truly cares about the cleanliness of my bathroom, which contains the usual bathroom devices.  If they call again, I’ll ask them if they’re content with their life’s purpose, before they hang up.

MY MOTHER WOULD HATE THIS BOOK is now available in hardcover, paperback & eBook on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or order through your local bookstore.

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Check out my website and blog for stories and more: www.marciaseligson.com

“Marcia Seligson is one of the funniest, most original, and irreverent people I know, and her book carries all those qualities. She can make anything funny, from a Peloton bike to a 40-hour brisket cookery. And she can be touching, deep, and bracingly honest. My advice to readers is make sure you have unbroken time ahead when you pick up this book. Each time I did, intending to read for ten minutes, an hour went by before I looked up. And I’d laughed out loud at least twice.” Sara Davidson, Writer NY Times bestseller Loose Change, Head writer for Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman