Passover Seder, My Favorite Holiday Event

I am Jewish, not religiously observant, but deeply Jewish nonetheless.  My husband Tom and I attend services on the High Holidays  -- Rosh Hashana (the New Year) and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) but rarely step inside a synagogue other than those services.  I fast on Yom Kippur, which you’re supposed to do for atonement. Except I always start to feel weird in the belly about 3:00 (two hours or so before sunset, after which you can freely gorge) so I eat an apple, feeling somewhat guilty. Tom doesn’t fast at all.  The traditional “Break the Fast” dinner is always joyous bagels and lox.

But then, there’s Passover, or “Pesach” in Hebrew. It commemorates the exodus from Egypt, when the Israelites were freed from slavery by Pharoah.  It’s a dramatic tale of the enslaved Israelites, instructed by God to smear their doorposts with lamb’s blood, thus allowing God to “pass over” their homes and spare their firstborn. He sent ten plagues upon Egypt, killing the firstborn of every Egyptian family. Pharoah then relented and permitted the Jews to leave Egypt.  Thus, the Exodus, with Moses the prophet, as the leader.  These stories form a key portion of every seder every year.

The seder became an enormous part of my DNA when I was about ten years old.  My favorite family, Aunt Lillian and Uncle Harold, lived in New York City in a swell upper east side apartment with a huge dining room. They held the seder each year, filling the table with relatives of all ages and close friends.  I had a starring role.

As the youngest, I was anointed to read and chant The Four Questions, one of the key portions of the event. I studied them for weeks ahead of time. The questions start out, in Hebrew, with the tune “Why is this night different from all other nights?“ Then you proceed with sung questions and answers about the food, for example why on this night do we eat only unleavened matzah, bitter herbs, and a few other commands. The Four Questions are in the Haggadah, the guidebook to the history of Passover as well as the food, which is symbolically crucial. During the service we would go around the table reading responsively from the Haggadah, which usually terrified me because of the frequent words in Hebrew which I couldn’t pronounce and didn’t know what they meant.

All of my cousins were boys and older than me, like my brother.  I adored them but they scared me.  They ignored me or teased me in our normal lives, but at the seder they found kindness and some respect for their kid girl cousin. 

The Park Avenue seders continued for years and years.  While in college in the Midwest, I couldn’t attend but missed them.  After I transferred to Columbia University in my junior year, I was always there, chanted the Four Questions and truly loved Passover.  After several of the family elders died, these seders were discontinued.

A very important thing to remember about the seder is that the food is almost always the same, no matter where the seder is held.  Historians tell us the first Israelites served meat, matzah, bitter herbs like horseradish and four cups of wine.  That is exactly what we had at our seder this year. 

A reading of history is always a notable part of the seder going from the 1st century to the 6th century when the Haggadah took shape and the key rituals were formalized, including reading the story of the Exodus. The seder is designed to take place in a home, and the storytelling, symbolic foods and wine take place in a structured order.  “Seder” in fact, means “order.”

Matzoh is crisp unleavened cracker bread.  Its symbolism is that the Israelites, rushing across the Nile to escape, didn’t have the time to bake bread.  The bitter herbs, like horseradish, signify the cruelty of these people’s existence under Pharoah. Charoset, a sweet blend of fruit, nuts and spice, represents the mortar the Israelite slaves used to make bricks.  It’s sweet and delicious.

I remember many seders over the decades from my childhood on.  Most of the notable ones have occurred since Tom’s and my marriage 43 years ago.  Every one of our seders has been led by our dear friend Jon, a scholar, historian, teacher and writer. One year, we had 18 guests, all friends and family.  Also present was Betty Friedan whom I knew through various feminist activities and happened to be in LA at that time.  Among the accomplishments for which Betty was renowned was her book, THE FEMININE MYSTIQUE, and her pioneering the women’s movement in the 1960’s. She was also infamous for her temper.

At that seder, Tom’s mother was assigned to bring the matzoh ball soup, a staple of the dinner. She was having it prepared at Hillcrest Country Club, the paragon of Jewish cooking in LA.  When she arrived at our home, she carried 2 servings of the treasured soup, instead of 18. She had no valid explanation and was very confused. Freaked out would be a fine way to describe Tom and me. Tom had to rush out to the neighborhood deli who only had cans of Campbells Chicken Noodle Soup on its shelves. He bought it, of course, as inappropriate as it was.  When it was served to our guests, without our clarification, everyone was polite although looking puzzled.  When Betty Friedan examined her bowl, she howled, ‘WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?’ We didn’t address the crisis, for fear of mortifying Tom’s mother.  The rest of the dinner was splendid, thank God.

A few days ago, we held our annual seder. Friends always want to come both for the food and the conversation, triggered by Jon’s knowledge of Jewish, Christian and Muslim histories and how they relate to each other. Our table now only holds 10 at the most so we can’t invite our whole tribe.

Frequently today’s politics become a predictable topic of social conversation. But despite being stunned and desperate about current goings on in America, we wanted this to be a festive night so we avoided the subject.  There were 9 of us, 5 Jews and 4 Gentiles.  We always appreciate the variety and the fact that Jon’s commentary is different each year, so the discussion over the course of the evening is never the same.  Jon did bring up what he called “the elephant in the room”, the situation in Israel and Gaza, which sparked intense conversation, of course. 

Tom and I always make the matzo ball soup, but this year it was tragically not as thrilling as always in the past; we think we overcooked it and didn’t know why.  Jon always brings the brisket (I know it was originally lamb but Jon has a lengthy historical reason for the beef substitute.) Our friends Jason and Glen never eat red meat except yearly for Jon’s brisket. Some friends brought luscious cabernet and Stef made two amazing cakes, which included no regular flour.

We were part of nearly 2000 years of Passover seders, with their history and stories and foods, friends and family and several glasses of fine wine.  My cup runneth over.

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“Marcia Seligson is one of the funniest, most original, and irreverent people I know, and her book carries all those qualities. She can make anything funny, from a Peloton bike to a 40-hour brisket cookery. And she can be touching, deep, and bracingly honest. My advice to readers is make sure you have unbroken time ahead when you pick up this book. Each time I did, intending to read for ten minutes, an hour went by before I looked up. And I’d laughed out loud at least twice.” Sara Davidson, Writer NY Times bestseller Loose Change, Head writer for Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman