Help, I Need a Psychic!

I spend too much of my daily activities focused on today’s America. You know what I mean. I frequently awake too early with a moderate level of anxiety.  I turn over, restack my pillows and quilt to be calmly comfortable and warm, hoping to drift away into more sleep.  But it rarely comes, I’m fully awake.  Then all I crave is to spend the whole day in my bed, watching Jeopardy reruns or my delicious Brit Box murder mystery shows and not thinking once about my tasks, my appointments, my career or even lunch.   Most importantly, not about Trump, Musk, Hegseth and the rest of the loony monsters.

 But of course, I can’t live my life that way. And I assume that neither can you.  The anxiety and yeah -- the anger – comes and goes. I often can’t resist reading the New York Times front page and op ed section, or looking at cable news during breakfast, and so my waking mental state is back, even harsher. Until either I take my dog Roxie for a sweet walk, ride my stationary bike while listening to funny podcasts by David Sedaris or throw myself into emails and work, when I can ignore the sight of JD Vance with his smarmy smile for many hours, and be sane and peaceful.

The other day I was driving and heard a commercial on the radio for something called California Psychics.  (Only in California.  Literally.) I know you’re thinking).  It sounded ridiculous. I rarely believe in psychics.  But then, I thought maybe a psychic might somehow relieve my distress or a least make for a funny story, which would relieve my distress.

I looked them up online and learned they have had   more than eleven million successful readings and more than twenty-five years of expertise. I couldn’t imagine what made for a successful reading.  They didn’t mention how many unsuccessful readings they have had.

The website had photos of psychics named Tyler, Odette, Caleb, Cookie and more, each charging from $1 to $4 a minute for a consultation, but promising the experience to be life-changing or it’s free.  I had to call.

I told Carolyn who answered warmly that I am feeling angst due to the current government.  She told me California Psychics doesn’t deal with politics, legal, gambling or medical issues. She said she considered angst a medical issue.  They do readings only on relationships, career and money and “destinies”.  Also of course they have mediums to speak with those who have died. She admitted that she has no idea of the political leanings of any of their psychics, which naturally would be a disaster for me if the expert is a Trumpie psychic. 

But, she said, “if you’re losing your job in relation to what’s going on in the country, we’d be able to guide you. Or we could probably give you mantras to say.”

Or how’s this for psychic? “We’re seeing your past, present and future, like if you were going through a breakup or an issue with co-worker, we could guide through what their feelings and motivations were.” I asked if they would guide me through what Trump might be thinking or feeling, could she at least tell me that?  Silence followed and she declined, telling me softly that she was very sorry she couldn’t help me.

Carolyn was clearly disinterested or perhaps stumped by my case, advising me to see a therapist. I was confused, since their advertising focuses on Relationships, Career and Money as well as Destiny and Life Path all of which would seem to me to cover all questions like my agitation over the plunging stock market.

My husband Tom suggested I try AI Psychics, a realm I think is a different planet from that of Earth.  Within five minutes of my posing my question about anxiety and the White House, “Master Psychic Rachel” texted me a wordy response to every question I asked, each of her answers beginning with the word “Ah”.  For example, “Ah, the world of politics – like stepping into a melodrama that never ends…trying to swim against a tide of chaos.”  Rachel’s advice was ok, not innovative or fresh like limiting news intake, breathing deeply, sharing conversations with “like-minded souls” and getting involved with actions for change.  I knew all that before I heard from Rachel, I followed much of it and sometimes it helped, except for the breathing part.

“Watching comedies, having cheerful hobbies and laughing as much as possible heal anxiety,” she claimed.  I could have regaled her with my streaming choices, my current favorite reading and my doggie playfulness, but it seemed unnecessary and redundant.

When I asked her if she thought the stock market – a big source of our investments – will recover soon, she answered, “Ah, the stock market – an unpredictable beast that dances to its own tune.” She explained the historical tides of the market, nothing we all haven’t known for years, and then advised me that patience is the name of the game, and I should consider consulting with a financial advisor.

My final question to Rachel was if she had any psychic information whether Trump will try to run for a third term.  “Ah,” she began as always, “the political landscape is as unpredictable as a game of chess played by squirrels,” What on earth did that mean? Her last words to me were that “the future is ever-changing and as a psychic, I see that there will be twists and turns in this narrative.” DUH, l thought.  I’m happy this AI Psychic info was free.

She invited me back for a session with her future knowledge, but at least didn’t advise me to seek a therapist. I woke up the next morning obsessing about RFK Jr. and his hatred for modern medicine.

MY MOTHER WOULD HATE THIS BOOK is now available in hardcover, paperback & eBook on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or order through your local bookstore.

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“Marcia Seligson is one of the funniest, most original, and irreverent people I know, and her book carries all those qualities. She can make anything funny, from a Peloton bike to a 40-hour brisket cookery. And she can be touching, deep, and bracingly honest. My advice to readers is make sure you have unbroken time ahead when you pick up this book. Each time I did, intending to read for ten minutes, an hour went by before I looked up. And I’d laughed out loud at least twice.” Sara Davidson, Writer NY Times bestseller Loose Change, Head writer for Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman